Tangible Intangibles
by romansilence
Summary: Set in Season four: Helen remembers hertime with Ashley in Ashley's room.


Disclaimer: The characters and background stories of "Sanctuary" do not belong to me, unfortunately, but to Damian kindler and Stage3Media. I just take them out to play. No copyright infringement is intended, no profit will be made.

Written for the Sanctuary Bingo Round Three, Prompt: "Ashley's Room"

Pairing: Helen/Kate (implied)

Timeline: Takes place in the first half of season four.

Rating: teen audiences

Summary: After her return from the past, Helen takes a walk down memory lane in Ashley's old room,

**Tangible Intangibles**

**by**

**ROMANSILENCE**

"Will Zimmermann, you might be the most perceptive guy I ever met and see connections between things most people miss, but sometimes you can also be an obnoxious, insensitive ass," Helen heard Kate's voice coming through the open door to her office. She stopped in the corridor, just a few paces away from the door.

"Kate, you should be in Hollow Earth with your new boyfriend, instead of cramping my style here. I'm only saying, that this room is just sitting there, useless. no one ever enters it, except for the Big Guy doing the dusting., every other week. It's time to put Ashley's room to use once again. So, let's do it now!"

"That's for the Doc to decide, Will. Ashley was her daughter you should not make such decisions so cavalierly. It's her prerogative."

"Magnus will not mind. She's tough. For her more than just three years have passed, more like 116 years.."

"The number of years does not make a difference in that case. I agree that she now is stronger and more determined than I have ever seen her, but she's still a Human Being with weaknesses and feelings who has lost her only child."

Helen decided that it was time to end this conversation.

"Kate, I appreciate your concern. You are right. Even 113 additional years are not enough. The loss of a child is a wound that never heals. I said that when I was in the past. Though then I did not know how true that was. –

"Will, even though I was incommunicando for a a day or two, from your point of view. This is still my home and I would thank you not to start redistributing its rooms at your leisure."

"But Magnus, you never even go in there, not even to just have a look around."

"That is beside the point, Doctor Zimmermann. I do not need a room to remember my child, Will. But having it right here, is still a comfort."

"I did not mean anything by it. But ever since it happened, you avoid that room like the devil does holy water."

"I didn't avoid the room, I just did not advertise my visits. I did not want to be seen as weak or sentimental, but I'm past that stage now.

"I called you here for a reason, especially you, Kate, thank you for coming this quickly. I know you have better things to do in Hollow Earth."

"No sweat, Doc. There's not much to do for me down there to help. But what they try to do there is fascinating and ambitious, building a new life but there are also still a lot of old grudges between the tribes. Those last few weeks have taught me one thing; despite everything Hollow Earth has to offer, they do not have much use for people who are not like them, though most seriously try to overcome their prejudices. And your Sanctuary has something I can't find there.. So, I'm glad to be back, for however long you need me, Doc or longer. The attraction between me and Garris did not work out, it's not enough."

"Thank you, Kate. We have work to do."

-x-x-x-

Two hours later Will and Kate left Helen's office each with a handful of pieces of paper in hand containing information and work orders that would keep them busy for at least a couple of weeks, barring any unforeseen emergencies.

Helen stayed in the office for a few more hours, battling the mountains of paperwork that had not decreased despite having severed the Sanctuary Network's ties to government agencies all over the world. Helen stopped working when the Big Guy brought her a tray with steaming tea and a cold supper. She ate, decided to call it a day and walked towards her own quarters. She passed her door and walked on to Ashley's room.

Half a dozen bee's wax candles were burning on the weapons' trunk at the foot of Ashley's bed, throwing dancing shadows on the murals adorning the walls, letting them appear alive. Helen took a seat on the couch standing against the wall to the right of the door.

As she sat down, Helen whispered, "Thank you, Kate," knowing quite well that she was alone in the room. Kate would never invade her privacy like that. Despite her usual brashness the young woman had a caring and romantic side, she did not show willingly at least not to Henry or Will, but Helen had had the privilege to be privy to it before Kate had left for Hollow Earth.

Helen closed her eyes and let a kaleidoscopic sequence of images, stills, dramatic scenes, stand-up routines and film scenes pass before her mind's eyes. They ranged from sentimental and sappy and hilarious misunderstandings to veritable battles of will between two very stubborn beings that had taken place in here. The room's vaulted ceiling had spoken to her from the beginning though the darkly intense murals then had been hidden behind the flower pattern of a cloth tapestry.

According to the old blueprints it had once been the private prayer room of the Abbot. Ashley had convinced the big Guy to remove them when she had attended elementary school which had revealed a hidden door to a secret corridor leading to the confessional in the church. And Helen did not even want to imagine of which sins the brothers had unburdened themselves."

-x-x-x-

One of Helen's favourite memories was sitting at her baby-daughter's bedside right after James had convinced her to move Ashley's crib from her own bedroom to the room across the corridor. She had spent countless nights just looking at her sleeping child and had continued to sporadically do so well into Ashley's teen years when they had had numerous rows about her right to privacy.

Ashley's terrible two had coincided with Henry entering their lives and what felt only like the blink of an eye later Ashley had been chasing Henry through the residential track of the Sanctuary and into her office for no apparent reason. It was a favourite pass-time. During this particular chase a early Ming vase on its pedestal they had been warned about was on the list of casualties. It fell and burst into a thousand pieces. Helen had called for the Big Guy to pivk upthepieces and chased after them. She had caught up with them in Ashley's room, tickling each other.

And it looked as if eight-year old Ashley had the upper hand over the teenaged HAP. An archaeologist from one of the other Sanctuaries had put the vase back together, Helen had pulled both children over her knees for a sound spanking and had grounded them for a month. And she had learned not to let valuables stand around unprotected.

The vase had been a chance find in thrift-shop in Old Town, caked in dirt and disfigured by plaster. Following an instinct she had bought it at a bargain rate after its true age, beauty and value had been revealed she had compensated the owner of the thrift-shop who had used the money to pursue his dream of becoming a camera man in California.

-x-x-x-

Helen also remembered the time directly after John's unwanted and unappreciated reappearance in her life and Ashley had set off to hunt a subterranean humanoid chameleon, without her wounds from the Abnormal having completely healed yet Helen had been more worried than usual about her daughter's well-being, more than she was ready to admit even to herself. The scene replayed in front of her eyes as vivid as if she had been sent back in time to relieve it.

_"Are you sure about this? I could go with you or maybe you could take…" Helen offered._

_"Take the Big Guy. It's just a clean-up job not a major operation. I'll be fine on my own…" Ashley answered, packing her gear._

_"A humanoid chameleon living under the City is hardly a clean-up job, it's more of a …" Helen cautioned._

_"Problem. Yeah. Our kind of problem. One we should have taken care of before we went to Scotland. I can handle it. You got your hands full here."_

_"Do you have everything you need?" Helen asked._

_".Ah, yeah. Henry wants me to field-test some new stuff. And…; if the gear fails, I'll just use the patented Magnus' charm." Ashley loaded a round in her shotgun with a smirk._

_"Ashley?"_

_"Yeah, mom,"_

_"Be careful."_

_"Always, mom. See you."_ [Text in Italics taken from Season one, ep. "Fata Morgana"

Ashley had returned from her "clean-up job" covered in fresh scrapes and bruises but sporting that shit-eating grin she always after a successful mission.

-x-x-x-

Helen also remembered her talk with Ashley in Rome after Nikola had tried to kill her and Ashley and John had appeared just in the knick of time, they had continued their talk after Helen had shown Ashley a Rome not found in any tourist guide. Back in the Sanctuary Ashley had finally asked the question Helen had secretly expected being asked for weeks.

"Why, mom? Why didn't you tell me? Why did you tell me that my father was dead?" There had been so much hurt and anger and sadness in her voice.

"There's no simple answer to that. How do you tell your child that the man you loved and wanted to marry is the most infamous serial killer in the history of criminology and that you not only have no idea if he's still alive but that you wish that he is not and that as long as he stays out of your child's life your daughter would be safe and better off. I did not know what to tell, sweetheart," Helen tried to explain.

"So you did not keep the truth about my father from me because you feared that I had not only inherited some of his abilities but also his unstable psyché?"

"No, Ashley, I never told you because it would not have changed anything but make you question yourself. I never wanted him to be part of your life; he would not have been a beneficial influence. With James you have the best male role model one could ever want. I was not afraid that you would turn into a serial killer because half of your genes are from me and though we Magnus' tend towards what others might call eccentric one could hardly accuse us of being unstable or murderous. That should count for something as well."

"It does, mom, and having uncle James in my life is a blast even though he's a worse worry-wart than even you are. I get why you didn't tell me when I was younger, but why didn't you say something after He had barged into our lives the first time?"

"Yes, I should have done that, Ashley, but what is done is done. I'm not perfect. So, why did I not speak up earlier? I know that you deserve to know the truth. There are numerous reasons, but in hindsight none was good enough, not even the fact that right after John took you, you were in denial, Most of them, I admit, were selfish. The selfish need of a mother to have her child think that she's special."

"I will always look up to you, mom. Though sometimes, i.e. Montague John Druitt, your taste in men tends towards the abysmal. Your taste in women is better."

-x-x-x-

Helen snapped out of her musings when she heard the door handle being pressed down. She opened her eyes, tried to relax and waited for the door to be opened. When it did it was only far enough for the light from the corridor to fall on the far end of the couch, without hitting her and for some one to look in.

So, who could it be? The Big Guy knew her habits better than anyone, and he would not even consider disturbing her before she was ready to leave. Kate knew where she was and what she was doing. Henry would have simply burst in, his head too far in one technical problem or the other to think of little things like propriety.

That left only Will or one of the Residents. Helen turned her wrist and looked at her watch. 1h37. Helen smiled when the door was closed again soon after. She relaxed and tried to guide her mind's eyes back to the conversation with Ashley. The words came back to her easily enough, but the spell that had made them come alive was gone. Helen started to get restless.

So, she stood up, blew out the candles, and returned to her own rooms, where she found Kate in her bed, fast asleep. She got ready for bed and hesitated a bit before joining the younger woman. Garris could give Kate a new life, a family of her own, without the emotional baggage someone who had lived for 273 years carried around.

Helen realised that she was getting maudlin and stretched out next to Kate. It did not wake her up but Kate instinctively snuggled against her side with a smile. Helen closed her eyes at the comfortable fit of their bodies and to her surprise joined Kate in a deep dreamless sleep soon after.

**THE END**


End file.
